My Story

Where it started.

In a span of 1 week, I heard 3 times, the first in my spirit, confirmed twice after, 2nd time while listening to a message and 3rd when I went to a friend’s church. On all occasions there was an emphasis on Telling Your Story.

Tell what God did.

I needed to document what I experienced. It was important I did so because some lives needed to be saved.

There are people who think they can no longer continue with their lives, they think they are so far gone. They need to know that there is hope. There are also people who are on that journey headed downwards towards the darkness of depression who need to be stopped in their tracks.

I write this knowing how much I longed to hear or read about anyone who had gone through something similar to what I had been through and came out of it successfully. I write this to document God’s goodness and grace.

David said in Psalm 9:1

I will tell of your wonderful works Lord.

In Mark 5:19 Jesus said to the man he had just restored,

Go home to thy friends, and tell them how great things the Lord hath done for thee, and hath had compassion on thee.

Below is a summary of my experience over the period of 2008 to 2009, it is my story of how God delivered me from the depths of depression.

Growing Up

As a child, I had the tendency to walk in self-pity. I remember crying as a child and telling myself nobody loved me. I would lock myself away and cry, feeling sorry for myself. All these were lies the enemy had been planting. I remember mummy telling me Nky, God loves you and so do we. For a little while I would believe this, but ultimately, growing up to become a teenager and a young adult, I had not really learnt God’s love for me. I suffered from a low self-esteem. I tried to fight this off but I later realized that in trying to do this in my strength I would walk in pride, because I tried to glorify myself in the struggle for acceptance.

I did not realize how anxious and fretful I had become. I always liked to have things under my control. I was always trying to figure things out. If I did not have it all figured out, I would not be peaceful. I took offence so easily. Throughout this time, God had always been there. I had always had a heart for Him. I loved the bible stories and enjoyed reading them as a child. At some point in my JSS2/Year 8 (2nd year of secondary school) I received Jesus personally. God was important to me. I loved him.

When we receive Jesus, we instantly become born again in our spirits but our minds have to be renewed. My wrong thinking patterns still existed. This had an effect on me in my JSS3. I had moments of depression born out of wrong thinking patterns, but these periods lifted. I was always able to come out, Father God brought the right people around me and somehow I never did sink that low. My life was okay, I had and do have a wonderful family. I had friends. I was doing well in secondary school. In my final year of secondary school I was made head girl. I did really well in my SSCES, making 6A1s and Bs. I got admitted into a private medical school, Igbinedion University to study medicine. I made new friends, I enjoyed my fellowship CFI.

I was okay, but there was still some work I needed to do in renewing my mind and truly receiving God’s love for me. These issues were not completely dealt with, so the enemy still had an entry point he could use. You can call this the sin that so easily besets. Even at that time, I would still have moments when I just felt so sorry for myself. I would think of everything wrong in my life and in so doing make myself so sad. During these moments I was not being thankful. I was not giving glory to God for every good thing. I did not realize this at the time. I just felt I was being realistic. One way I got out of these periods was music. I loved to listen to gospel music and I loved to dance. Most people in the Christian community in school then knew Nkiru the dancer. I danced to worship God. I loved to dance to praise Him. It honored Him and it also lifted me. It was a case of the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. In dance, I literally could see myself right in front of the Father dancing. On many occasions I had been approached by people who felt the tangible presence of God during these moments of dance.  I am saying all these because in as much as I still struggled with my wrong thinking habits I loved God and I loved His presence, but like I said I had not let my mind become renewed with God’s word in the areas of worry, being moody, being anxious.

The Downturn

I had been negative for so long, and recent happenings in my life magnified this. I had become so worried. I had allowed myself be anxious, remain sad and depressed. I did not realize when this had become despair, until that moment when I realized I couldn’t be happy even if I wanted to. Suddenly, I realized nothing could make me happy. I tried to be happy but I could not feel joy inside. This was going on and on. One day I woke up and my thoughts were racing, I felt like I had lost control over my thinking. My heart had become so full of despair and gloom.

I had slipped into severe depression…

It was so difficult to do the mundane things, I had lost motivation. It felt so heavy, the weight of depression. I could not face my day with expectations or hope. I struggled to get through each day. I had no taste for food. I lost so much weight. It was fearful. I had to come away from school at the time. I was in medical school and we had major examinations coming up but I had to leave for home, I was not coping. At home, family could not understand what was happening. I was a shadow of myself.

Dear reader, I can’t quite put in words how dark depression can be. If you are going through this, do not despair, I know how you feel, but there is hope for you.

It felt like I would never get my joy back. The future looked bleak.
I understand why people who go through things like this may possibly take their lives, because they are filled with an alarming huge sense of hopelessness, sadness, fear and for some reason guilt. Can I say that these are so real for the individual who is so depressed that it would take a miracle or medications at this stage to get through this.

Dear reader, hmmm…. My life as I knew it felt like it was slipping away from me. I didn’t think I could make it. It was so overwhelming. I felt like I had lost track of time. Day and night did not make sense to me anymore.
I knew God as much as I thought I did, but now I needed to know Him as my healer. I knew I had no chance outside of him.I felt like David did in Psalm 38: 6 I am troubled; I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long.

Path to Healing and Victory

Being a born again child of God, amidst the dark cloud and all that I was facing, I was still able to pray. The holy spirit had always been speaking, He never wanted me to come to this point. He had tried to get me to renew my mind a long time before this through messages I heard , books that I read eg Joyce Meyer’s battlefield of the mind etc. Ah! Now I was at a loss and I longed to run into the arms of my heavenly Father, I longed to hear his voice so I could listen and get out of the darkness!

Dear reader, He never left, the moment I started seeking His voice to listen to, I heard him. The first thing God established in my heart was that he LOVED ME! Halleluyah!!. The spirit Of God brings the word of God to our remembrance. John 14:26. I remembered Romans 8, where he said NOTHING will be able to separate me from the LOVE of my father. I still remember that moment, overwhelmed with all that was going on with me, there was such an overwhelming presence of fear, I remember calling a dear friend of mine and while he encouraged me, the Spirit of God brought that word to my mind in Romans 8, God loves me!

God loves me!, I screamed He loves! He loves me!

Perfect love casts out fear as seen in 1 John. I knew, I knew God loved me and that fear was subdued, I knew my life would not , and could not be over, He loved me too much to let me go.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the Love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Rom 8:38-39

Ah!, I remember being so full of hope in that moment, I suddenly knew like never before I was loved by the Father. It was not over for me. He loves me too much to let me fade away. He loves me! Oh he loves me! I can never be too far out of his reach of his love! I saw scriptures like when David said in Psalm 139:8b.

If I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

Wow, God loved me so much, He won’t leave me even if I willfully walked my way into the depths of depression, even if I hadn’t listened, even if it looked impossible now, I would be fine. The love of God began to be revealed to me, I knew God loved me so much, that this could not be my end. Then the Holy Spirit continued to show me more scriptures! Literally scriptures came alive for me. They were all I had. They were my oxygen for the next breath.

Days went on to weeks, weeks to months. I knew God loved me and I knew I was coming out and the Holy Spirit was just working with me. I was so yielded! I was praying in the spirit speaking in tongues most of the time I prayed, because my mind was just a clutter and I could not believe every thought that came through. I only believed the word of God in my heart. That was the only reality I knew was true.

1Cor 14:2 For he that speaketh in an unknown tongue speaketh not unto men, but unto God:
1Cor 14:4 He that speaketh in an unknown tongue edifieth himself

1Cor 14: 2&4

The power of speaking in other tongues for the believer cannot be underestimated. I continued to pray in the spirit and I began to hear God so much better. It was during this time when I prayed in tongues for the most time in all my life, that the presence of God was so strong and I was able to walk in the gift of the word of knowledge for the first time. Now in my current day God has told me things I had absolutely no way of knowing about other people to bless them and it comes when I spend time praying in the spirit.

You see, man is spirit, soul and body. The soul is the mind and emotions. This part of me was in chaos, but praise God my spirit man was alive in Christ. Amidst the chaos, when my mind was playing tricks on me and i could not decipher what was or wasn’t, due to the confusion, the word of God was my light, it was my path, it was the authority i submitted my mind to. I only did what the word said to do. This is why i remained safe and the enemy could not take over.

I’ll give you an example, there are moments when a person who is severely depressed could get so angry. On one occasion i was so angry and i began to walk away from home, I did not know where I was going but i stormed off angrily. People can go off like this and turn up somewhere and they would not realize how they got there. But just while I was storming off, my dad called out to me and I heard in my spirit honor your father and mother, it’s your dad talking. I immediately calmed down, and listened to him.
On another occasion, it seemed like i could not pick out my thoughts, it felt like there were other thoughts that were not mine, and i remembered the word of God that says, my sheep know my voice, the voice of another they would not follow. I knew what to listen to by the leading of God and ignored everything else.

On more than one occasion I saw things move, my mind was playing tricks on me, the devil tried so hard, but I remembered the scripture that says though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil.
I remembered the word that says the fruit of the spirit is self control amongst other things and also the word that says the spirit of a prophet is subject to the prophet. When i remembered this, I absolutely refused to give in to the strong forces trying to get me to lose control

I did not know how long all this fight would last, but i knew deep down within me i would come out on top because GOD SAID SO!

The spirit of God continued to show me what to do. He showed me Jonah 2:8.

They that observe lying vanities forsake their own mercy.

I realised Jesus had shown me mercy in that he died for my sins and bore my sickness and diseases, if I was going to receive healing I would need to believe this and stand against the enemy until I saw it otherwise I would be forsaking His great mercy towards me. I had to ignore the symptoms I felt. I absolutely stop considering them. I had raging headaches like my head would explode, my thoughts ran wild, I felt like I could not stay peaceful, but I blatantly ignored all this and continued to say under my breath “ God has not given me the spirit of fear but the spirit of power of love and of a SOUND MIND. I have a sound mind, I have a sound mind”. I said this so many times, I lost count throughout that period.

Dear friend, if I gave in to the symptoms I felt, If I acknowledged them, I do not think I would have made it. The depths of severe depression can be very low and I experienced this. I fought the symptoms of delusions, hallucinations, mutism and derealisation. Most of my fight was in my spirit. Like I mentioned earlier as a born again Christian your spirit man is made new in Christ. So regardless of what had happened with my emotions and intellect, my spirit was kept from all the confusion and turmoil and I reached into the power resident in me by Jesus.

This is why it is tough for an unbeliever to come through this and this is why many people kill themselves. I have heard about believers who have hurt themselves because they felt they couldn’t go on, I know the struggle but if only they had just held on …. this is a fight and although they will be with the Lord, if you don’t fight and you give up, the enemy will take hold.
I had been offered mediction longterm, but I didn’t take them, please no discredit to anyone who uses medications, I knew I had sunk so low that the type of medication I was being offered would keep me stuck in a way I did not want to be. I wanted to be able to live without medications. I did not want to be on antidepressants or antipsychotics for life. These medications can be helpful, as a doctor i prescribe them. It is however really up to you to determine where you want to be. God is always willing and able to meet you where you are.

I just recently asked an american based psychiatrist friend of mine what the prognosis is for a patient who is severely depressed with complications as i have mentioned and she said medications are usually required for life. Praise God, i have not had need for any medication since then.

I just made a choice at some point that If God says I am the healed, If His word says I was healed by the stripes of Jesus, then I am healed and I don’t care how I feel, because it is impossible for God to lie. The scripture says by two immutable things it is impossible for God to lie. So at his word I am healed and that is all I need. Once I made this resolution in my heart I took my healing and everything I did and I said was as though I was completely free. I did not feel it, but I knew something had shifted in the Spirit.

I spoke to myself. I told myself to be happy. I told my mind to be calm and well balanced like it says in 1Tim1:7 amp version. I was still fighting and I did not know when it would be, but I told God that I do not care how long, I am going to fight and stand on your promise until I see. I felt like an actor. I would laugh when I did not feel one emotion. Life still appeared bleak. I would try to study even when my mind felt so heavy and foggy and I was still finding it difficult to concentrate. I still had lots of medical exams ahead, I did not know how I would make it through except for the fact that “GOD SAID”.

At the time I remember going for a loveworld ministry (Christ Embassy) event with a friend, because at the time I was fully focused on listening to the word and surrounding myself with the word. At that event at some point the minister Pastor Chris said the darkness will bow and I suddenly knew he was talking to me, I said to myself lord is that me? And Pastor Chris repeated again as if he heard me ask and said “yes you, the darkness will bow”. Ah! that encouraged me so much.

During those times God gave me specific words. He told me He would give me double for the trouble I was going through, if I stayed through till the end. He told me that just like Shedrach, Meshach and Abednego when they entered the fire, they came out with not even the smell of smoke. He said no one would ever know what I had been through because there would be absolutely no sign or scar left on me.

I remember hearing Bishop David Oyedepo say your matter is over only when you decide it is over, but with God all things are possible. I remember needing to hear the word constantly. I recall asking a friend who just walked past me after fellowship in school and i asked to use her ipod briefly to listen to any message she had and she gave me. The first message i played was Bishop Oyedepo declaring words of breakthrough against depression! Wow wow, so timely.

I listened to Joel Osteen talk about how bright my future was and all i had to do was not give up and believe God. The word of God was on replay always. Cece Winans throne room was my heart cry to the Father. It was dark, my family had watched in despair, I hadn’t seen my dad cry but he did, my mum cried, my siblings cried, Nkiru had become a shadow of herself…………..but soon enough, light shined, light shined, and continued to shine and got brighter and brighter!

Dear readers, I cannot say exactly how it happened, but all I know is as I pushed on and stood on the word, change began to happen.

My mind became clearer, my emotions returned, my thoughts became calm and settled. I had peace and joy returning. I was able to take my exams and passed them, not only that, I succeeded in completing an elective in New York for 8 weeks, then came back, continued with my studies, got to my final year, passed, graduated! My goodness, as each day went by it was like as though nothing happened to me.

A doctor who had seen me earlier during that period saw me when I had graduated and I was doing a post graduate exam in a university in Lagos Nigeria and I saw a look of compassion on her face, when I excitedly approached her, she thought I started medical school again and I said to her Oh No! I am done with that. She could not believe it because she knew how bad things were then. Isn’t God good? Thank you Father.

I have since gone on to practice medicine in the United Kingdom and I am currently a primary care physician. I am married to an absolutely amazing man who was my classmate in medical school and I have a wonderful son. My life is beautiful and God was true to His word. I look around me at my family, my siblings who were there for me, my mother God bless her heart and my late dad who never gave up on his belief that I would make it and my heart is full. I am so grateful I did not give up…

Please if you are reading this and you are going through an unexplainable weight of depression or any other situation that seems insurmountable and you think it is over for you, DO NOT GIVE UP! or if you are the anxious, worried, fretful person, who is negative and does not love himself or herself, I urge you to first believe in the LOVE OF GOD for you in CHRIST JESUS.

Jesus took your sin, shame, pain, grief, sickness. His love for you is as high as the heavens are above the earth and he has taken your sin away from you as far as the east Is from the west. KNOW that you are loved. Receive this love and know you are God’s son or daughter.

Only then can you take your mind of you, but keep your mind stayed on the Father and His love. When you receive His love, you will be able to love others. You would become thankful, joyful, and peaceful, because your worth is based on the blood of Jesus Christ. You would realise you were worth the life of Jesus. You would rest in God’s love. There would be an end to your struggle for acceptance because you are forever accepted and approved by our loving Father.

Becoming a Child of God

If you have never accepted Jesus as your Lord, now would be the best time to say “Lord Jesus i believe you came to earth and died for me and i accept you as my Lord, come into my heart. Father God, thank you for making me your son/daughter”.

If you just said that prayer, welcome to the family of God!

God loves you.
He has healed you.
He has saved you.
Now love Him and love others.

Dr Nkiru Oluwatosin